Contradictions.

Twenty ten. Time is flying faster than I can keep up with. Around this time every year I ask myself the same question…where did all that time go? In twenty ten..I will know exactly where my time will go.I am scared and excited at the same time, this is really my first time working on a project on this scale and level,a project the world is watching,every day I’m terrified that someone will find out I really don’t have a clue what I am doing! Working late nights every day, sacrificing all sort of things just to get the job done for the day…I’ve been asking myself if this will all be worth it? I hope so but really, whatever.

Despite being caught up in a crazy schedule of work for the last year I’ve noticed myself slowly changing internally and shifting focus. Where I used to charge ahead full steam in my work related ambitions, albeit blindly,without a care the kind of carnage that could be left trailing behind my actions, now I take a moment to decide if it is worth it, and am i going to get into trouble?

On some days I’ve decided the best way I could spend my time is to spend my day cooking up a storm, make lovely bentos for my boyfriend, learn to knit things as useless presents for people, and whist away the time reading obscure literature and never burdening my brain with silly ambitions to get ahead in life. My life can simply be still, quiet with easy contentment.I suppose this is what people say when they are ‘mellowing” with age.

But then on other days I am charged, I am delirious from wanderlust, I move fast through the hustling urban crowds without ever looking back, I am a reckless soul who will step on toes to get me where i want to be, and I want a lot of things. Moments like this I am never happy with myself, never good enough and guilty for the days I allow myself to be “mellow”. “Have you given up? What about the dreams you had, what about all the things you wanted to be, the places you wanted to go? Get up and go!”

Contradictions. I suppose this cannot be unique for me…becoming an adult (at whatever age you choose to grow up) sometimes mean learning to let go of dangerous dreams in order to grab hold of a life buoy, a thick dose of reality that bring you safely down to earth. That part may be necessary, but it sucks.

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